Feeling like an Idiot

Boss- "Eric do these reports!"

Me- "What reports?!"
A vision I have from time to time as I think about working in an office.

It was my senior year of high school, and it was my last year of marching band. Now those of you who haven't experienced marching band before, lemme tell you it's not for the faint of heart. Band Camp is especially grueling in the summer with 2 or 3 weeks of long days rehearsing, and marching. When we did drill, or get in fundamental blocks, we had to stay at attention for 10-30 minutes it seemed like before they would dismiss us, or give us our next order. That was my least favorite part. Not that my trumpet was heavy or anything, but just staying there at a pose with it for a long period of time, I just squirmed about. Well anyways, there was one day my senior year when we were rehearsing our show later in the season. I was on the 50 yard line. They made us stay at attention for awhile.. right after we just marched for 7 minutes or so. It was one of those times where we just needed a water break. Well I was squirming about, getting tired. Our marching band instructor yelled at me over the microphone infront of everyone. "ERIC QUIT MOVING WHEN YOU ARE AT ATTENTION! YOU ARE ON THE 50 YARD LINE! YOU ARE A SENIOR FOR GOD SAKES!!!" 

To this day that moment still haunts me. After all the good things I've done in marching band, and after all the hard work I've put into it for four years, that is one of the moments I think about when I think about marching band.

I hate feeling like an idiot. Or feeling dumb, or stupid, or however you want to say it. It might just be the worst feeling in the world. Ever since elementary school, I've always felt dumb. Some of my teachers back then wanted to hold me back. They kept on putting me in special classes, where all the kids that were behind went. There was this one in particular "special gym", which this old woman taught us how to skip and do jumping jacks. It helped us with our hand-eye coordination. There was this other program called STAR, which I went to get extra help after school, whereas all my other friends went to QUEST which was the program for the gifted and talented.

Now as an adult those feelings are still there. They grow and grow whenever I try something new, and I'm not catching on. They were there full force when I worked at a finance company for a little while after college. I hate being the new guy, especially when I'm struggling with concepts or tasks. And since there were only two of us in the office, it was extremely hard for me to keep up, with more and more responsibility added on in a short time. I felt like an idiot infront of my boss who was extremely sharp, and ran things like a machine. I felt like I was messing things up all the time.

The thing is, every job I look at I always envision the worst case scenario. I always picture someone yelling at me. Whether it be my boss, co-worker, or an irate customer. This vision never dissapears. The quote at the top, or the picture with the mountain of papers, is all I see. I feel like my 16 years of schooling did not equipt me for the workforce. I'm not saying I didnt get a good education, I'm just saying that they don't translate well to each other. I'm used to having a book to study, being in a classroom setting listening to lectures and taking notes, and having quizes and tests AFTER preperation and studying. Thats what I excelled at after a while. In college I finished with a 3.7 GPA. But then I go to my first job, and it's not like that at all. I feel like I'm thrown into the fire. And since people are doing their own jobs, how is anyone going to have time to train me? They don't. You're on your own.

I had a friend tell me the other night something really cool. He told me that God sees us as royalty. He told me that we don't have to worry about being a failure, or being rejected, because Christ already accepted  us. God sees us as royalty. That's a really good thought! So everytime I feel like an idiot, or feel inferior, I just have to try to keep that in mind. For me, "try" is the keyword there!

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Since posting this blog, I've thought of some other marching band memories. During one rehearsal, on my senior year, our band director called over the microphone and said to everyone something like, "If everyone marched like Eric Owsley, then we'd be in pretty good shape."

See ya later!

Growing Old

"But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too."
-Stevie Nicks


At first glance, people would look at this title and tell me that at 23 I'm not old yet. And I would agree with that. Maybe I should make a subtitle that states, "trying to cope with change". I've always resisted change. But that's just something that comes with growing old. As I'm at this weird point in my life that I'm not a kid, and I'm not (or at least I dont feel like) an adult, I can't help but to comtemplate on age, mortality, and annoying yet inevitable change.

One thing about change that I've been noticing is that it always messes with relationships. Close circles of friends for instance, can over time just dissapear. Now maybe you'll always remain "Best friends forever", but for some reason somebody has to move away, or the responsibilites of growing old just is too much for regular contact. Or there could be a complete change of hobby, and new peer groups could be entered in the mix. Whatever it is, change just shakes things up when it comes to relationships.

And things just have to happen so fast too. One second we're in college, hanging out at applebees, and then the next second friends are getting married, having children, moving away for a job. I almost feel like things are just unraveling at the seams. But really I have to learn to embrace it.

I would really love to grow old with someone. You know, the whole settling down thing with a family and all that. Then I wouldnt have to worry about all my friends moving away, or getting to busy with life. Maybe I would catch up to them every once and a while. We would poke fun at our gray hair, or receding hair lines, and then look back on all the good times. Then we would go our own seperate ways again, but it would be okay because I would have a beautiful family to go back to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I find my soul mate, coping with change would be easier.

I've been absent for a little while on this blog, but I hope to update a little more periodically. Right now I'm really trying to make drastic self improvements this summer. From gaining confidence to overcoming my fears and anxiety. I am still looking for the right job, and I pray that God can just give me the wisdom to not worry about it, but instead focus on good things like loving others, loving jesus, and learning to love myself!

Sleeping

"Never let yesterdays dissapointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."
-Auther Unknown

On of my favorite things to do is sleep. Now before I dive into a blog about sleeping, let me point out first of all, that it's not going to be a blog about laziness, or agreeing with Bruno Mars' sentiment about not doing anything. While it may be nice to not have to do anything all day (especially when I'm not going on vacation this year!), feeling unproductive isn't the greatest feeling in the world. What this blog is about is hope for a better tomorrow, dreams, rest, and being still for the Lord.

When you have a long, hard day there is nothing better than falling into bed, with all those pillows, and covering up so that your head is the only thing thats exposed. During this time, my mind is racing so fast. I just think about so many things, and I think about all my "problems". Then I close my eyes, and pray. Sometimes I just can't think of what to say. I mean what do I ask God? He knows everything that's going on. Maybe the best thing to do at times like this is to be still. Wait for the Lord. Listen for the Lord. I think sometimes we are so impatient. I know I am. It's moments when you crawl into bed, and your body is aching, and your just so tired that you can have that one on one time with your creator. I remember going to this one seminar at a christian retreat. We stood still in silence for 20 minutes. It felt kinda uncomfortable. But the guy pointed out that it's important to be still.

I love dreaming. I'm still not sure the science behind such visions, and pictures. All of them though are so unique and interesting. When I was smaller, I used to have lucid dreams, in which I could control where I go when dreaming! Now, I barely remember them. But when I do they are always so fun to think about and tell. Maybe there are hidden meanings in these dreams?

Perhaps my favorite part about sleeping though is when I first wake up. Not necessarily waking up at 7:20am for work, when I had moments of insomnia the previous night. But when I had a full nights rest, and I wake up. The first thing I see is my ceiling fan whirl around. Then the sun peaking through my window blinds. Not to mention the birds singing their morning songs. I always try to think of it as a fresh start. The first day of the rest of my life. Just like the quote at the top "never let yesterdays dissapointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams". Yesterday is now apart of the past right? It is day 1, so let's go out there and accomplish our goals and dreams!

Spring brings Stinky Trees...

Ahh.. Spring has arrived. The minute I saw the first wasp of the year flying around our front door, along with 2 days in a row of little sleep because of thunderstorms I realized what season it was. There's something about Spring. I can't even put my finger on it. As soon as I smell those stinky white trees at the start of spring, my first reaction is repulsion.. but thats followed by a reaction of renewel.

Spring takes away the winter blues. Even though you have to part ways with your fashionable winter coats, you start getting out the shorts and t-shirts--items you tend to forget about during the brutally long winters. My favorite part about Spring is getting out my frisbee golf disks, and playing on a course for the first time. Or that first ride of the year on my bike. It opens a whole new world of possibilities to you.

Obviously the environment around you changes, but I think also your inner environment changes as well. On a level I can't explain, for me, Spring and Summer help activate my wildest dreams. You can laugh at this point if you want to, but that's how I feel. I always say to myself statements like "oh maybe I'll have a summer romance this year", or "something BIG is going to happen this summer." Typically nothing radical happens. But there are moments of total relaxation. When I'm on vacation with my family, I always regress back to childhood. The Golden Years. It's a week away from work, deadlines, pressure, responsibility, cell phones buzzing every minute. It's really just a time of family, relaxation, and memories. Time just stands still. 

So in lieu of all the rain, storms, allergies, and wasps, it's a great time of year. It's a time of renewal and regrowth. During this time Christ died on the cross, and rose from the dead so that we can have everlasting life!                                    

Out of the Loop

One cold night in February, I went to a friend of mine's house warming party. When I say "a friend of mine's" he was really somewhere in-between an acquintance and a golf buddy. I've met him in my college days (still getting used to saying that past tense) at a campus ministry group. Well, he invited so many people to this house warming party from that group (50? 75? 100?), that I quickly resorted into shy mode when I arrived.

It was such an awkward and uncomfortable experience for me. People were scattered around the house in their own group: chatting, eating, or playing video games on the Wii. I floated around between groups, catching tail-end conversations... "So yeah thats why I never go skiing again." or, "so that was the best carrot cake I made!"  As I realized quickly that I didn't quite fit in to any group, or had nothing to contribute, I left early--texting a closer friend, to see what he was up to.

Being out of the loop is one of those feelings that just sucks. There's no other way to put it. Most of it could be in your head for sure. I think that's one thing the Devil likes to do, making us think that we have nothing to contribute to a group, and we are just not that important. I think also, the other party doesn't know that they are creating a clique. How do you tell them they are with out putting them on the defense?

You know what the worst part of it is though? It's when girlfriends get in the way. Sure they are still there to support you, and hang with you. But it's just never going to be the same. My buddy and his wife hang out with this new couple that they match-maked. Even though I consider the four of them good friends, and I'm sure they consider me one, they have their own little "double date" group, in which they hang out each week, eating wings, watching sports, playing cards etc. Even though I would love to hang with them, they don't openly invite me. Is it because I'm single? Is it because I would have nothing to contribute? I try to not let it bug me, but it does hurt.

So how do I conclude this blog? Maybe I should just continue to praise God, and pray for patience that my time will come when I can enjoy the company of a significant other. That way when all my good friends are out with their girlfriends, and other couples, I can just be with my girl, and not worry about loneliness, or feeling obsolete.

Or maybe I should just assign blame to girlfriends, and that they just ruin everything ;)

Talk with you all later! God bless!

Time Travel

If you had a time machine, where would you go? Would you go in the past to re-live your childhood; or maybe to tell yourself of future mistakes to avoid? Or would you go in the future, to see what your life is going to turn out like? I have pondered this question myself, and for many years I would tell you that I'd like to go back in time to re-live the golden days of my youth. But now, the curiosity and anticipation of my future is growing as things get more confusing at this point in my life. Now I would really love to visit myself in the future.

The exact problem I face today is blog posts like this. I spend way too much time thinking about the past and future. I tell people, "oh it would be cool to fastforward to when I'm 36. That way I can see my future self as a confident father figure, with a nice home, blah blah blah". The thing about it is, the journey getting there is the best part (and hardest). And I cant skip all that valuable time!

I don't know how to live in the present!

Living in the present is so important, because of this: living in the present is living. Life happens in the present. There's no such thing as the future, and the past no longer exist's. The present is all we have. So if I'm not living in the present... then I'm not living :(

I spend so much time reflecting, worrying, and not putting enough trust in the Lord, that sometimes I just feel like I'm in my own little orb, competely seperated from everyone else. My biggest enemy is the "What If" scenario. The "I could've done this" scenario is slightly in second place too. Past and Future. They always latch on to me and allow me not to live!

Now that I know what the problem is, that's step one of fixing it. I need to live in the present, trust in the Lord, relish in my experiences, and before I know it maybe I'll be the Dad who gets my kids ready for soccer games. I only hope they would be a better player than me... I only scored 1 goal in my 9 year career!

J.T.

"Goodnight you moonlight ladies,
 Rockabye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams,
and rockabye sweet baby James"
-James Taylor

This next Saturday, I'm going to see James Taylor perform live. What's the goal I want to get out of that night? To be transported into another world... or at least 'go to carolina in my mind'. You see, with James Taylor you can do just that. His sweet, pure voice, melodic sense, and beautiful guitar style captivated me a few years back, and I just became a JT fan for life!


"What kind of music do you listen to?"

Music has been a large part of life ever since I was about 14 years old when I picked up the trumpet. While most high schoolers were listening to Dave Matthews Band, or Blink 182, I was listening (and playing) to classical and jazz music. In college, my music taste increased. One day I would be listening to Miles Davis' Kind of Blue, the best jazz album of all time. While the next day I would be listening to the best band of all time The Eagles. I could really go on and on about their sound, and their genius but I will spare you. Then of course you throw JT into the mix, and I'm pretty much set for life. So basically, when someone asks me what music do I listen to, I can just say "old people music". Finding out that people my age don't share the same passion I do kind of makes me sad. It's like a dying art form, that I have to try to save or something.

Music... the universal language?

I think there are a few things that can unite nations. One being sports, another being music. I could go down to Latin America, and would have no clue what anyone is saying (I know my high school spanish teachers would kill me!), or even doing for that matter. But when I hear music down there at a bistro, or cafe. Or when I see people dancing at a club to music, I would get what's going on. I'm really not sure if I explained that well, or if my explanation did any justice. I just think that music has the ability to connect us all.

The only way I know how to end this post is to share some JT with you! Hope you enjoy!