Life Without Fear

Their eyes are red and mechanical,
their wings are propellers.
They creep and crawl like spiders,
they fly like japenese beetles.
I try to drink my coke,
I try to eat my potato salad.
But I can feel it buzzing around.
My stomach turns upside down.

This is a poem I JUST NOW made up for this blog about fear. What I'm referring to is my extreme phobia of wasps (throw in hornets, bees, and anything that looks like them as well) In fifth grade, Mrs. Stephenson made the comment on the first day of school "we have a wasp problem in this room, so thats why we have this spray right here" I didn't really think about it too much at the time, because all my nerves were focused on the first day. But I remember that spring, my desk was right infront of a window, with a wasp CONSTANTLY crawling around on it. It was awful. While everyone else was concentrating on their math problems, or learning about Francis Scott Key, I was too busy with my paranoia about the wasp behind me. Where was it? Was it getting closer? Was it going to fly on my papers and sting me? No. It was probably just going to sit there menacingly!

The truth is, fear runs my life. Benjamin Franklin said "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself" and he's right on the money. Fear traps me in the corner, and doesnt let me go. It robs me of my happiness. Fear of new challenges, and words like "fast paced, multi tasking" doesnt help when I apply for jobs. Fear of rejection, and fear of change helps me to become perpetually single. It even comes down to fear of wasps/bees/everything becomes a barrier for me when I think about being a father. I mean I dont wanna be a wimpy father!* Here's an example to describe what I'm talking about: My son and I are at the park, and I flip out because of a wasp flying by or something. My son would be like "Dad, what are you sooo afraid of??" as he proceeds to hit the wasp with his fisher price baseball bat, and stomp on it with his size 7 shoes. I mean that would be humiliating! (* see the blog "Manhood" for more on this topic!)

What if life was without fear? Wouldn't that be awesome? I would never have to worry about wasps or bees again. I'm with this small group at church, and we are studying Max Lucado's book "Fearless". And he poses this thought provoking reflection: imagine life without fear. What if our response to threats was faith not fear?

So I think there is something bigger at play here. What if all my fears, worries, insecurities, problems, etc has something to do with my relationship with God, and my lack of faith that He'll provide? That story when Jesus is sleeping on the boat, and his disciples are freaking out over a great storm is a perfect picture of this. Jesus wakes up and says, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Mat 8:26.

Seriously why am I so afraid? This is the crux of the matter I tell you, and this is one example, out of many why I'm not deserving of His grace. I also argue that worry and fear are twin brothers. I'm all worried now at this time because I'm just so confused about my future. "Oh you of little faith!" Jesus is saying to me.

I am constantly a work in progress. I really need to have some more faith!