Feeling like an Idiot

Boss- "Eric do these reports!"

Me- "What reports?!"
A vision I have from time to time as I think about working in an office.

It was my senior year of high school, and it was my last year of marching band. Now those of you who haven't experienced marching band before, lemme tell you it's not for the faint of heart. Band Camp is especially grueling in the summer with 2 or 3 weeks of long days rehearsing, and marching. When we did drill, or get in fundamental blocks, we had to stay at attention for 10-30 minutes it seemed like before they would dismiss us, or give us our next order. That was my least favorite part. Not that my trumpet was heavy or anything, but just staying there at a pose with it for a long period of time, I just squirmed about. Well anyways, there was one day my senior year when we were rehearsing our show later in the season. I was on the 50 yard line. They made us stay at attention for awhile.. right after we just marched for 7 minutes or so. It was one of those times where we just needed a water break. Well I was squirming about, getting tired. Our marching band instructor yelled at me over the microphone infront of everyone. "ERIC QUIT MOVING WHEN YOU ARE AT ATTENTION! YOU ARE ON THE 50 YARD LINE! YOU ARE A SENIOR FOR GOD SAKES!!!" 

To this day that moment still haunts me. After all the good things I've done in marching band, and after all the hard work I've put into it for four years, that is one of the moments I think about when I think about marching band.

I hate feeling like an idiot. Or feeling dumb, or stupid, or however you want to say it. It might just be the worst feeling in the world. Ever since elementary school, I've always felt dumb. Some of my teachers back then wanted to hold me back. They kept on putting me in special classes, where all the kids that were behind went. There was this one in particular "special gym", which this old woman taught us how to skip and do jumping jacks. It helped us with our hand-eye coordination. There was this other program called STAR, which I went to get extra help after school, whereas all my other friends went to QUEST which was the program for the gifted and talented.

Now as an adult those feelings are still there. They grow and grow whenever I try something new, and I'm not catching on. They were there full force when I worked at a finance company for a little while after college. I hate being the new guy, especially when I'm struggling with concepts or tasks. And since there were only two of us in the office, it was extremely hard for me to keep up, with more and more responsibility added on in a short time. I felt like an idiot infront of my boss who was extremely sharp, and ran things like a machine. I felt like I was messing things up all the time.

The thing is, every job I look at I always envision the worst case scenario. I always picture someone yelling at me. Whether it be my boss, co-worker, or an irate customer. This vision never dissapears. The quote at the top, or the picture with the mountain of papers, is all I see. I feel like my 16 years of schooling did not equipt me for the workforce. I'm not saying I didnt get a good education, I'm just saying that they don't translate well to each other. I'm used to having a book to study, being in a classroom setting listening to lectures and taking notes, and having quizes and tests AFTER preperation and studying. Thats what I excelled at after a while. In college I finished with a 3.7 GPA. But then I go to my first job, and it's not like that at all. I feel like I'm thrown into the fire. And since people are doing their own jobs, how is anyone going to have time to train me? They don't. You're on your own.

I had a friend tell me the other night something really cool. He told me that God sees us as royalty. He told me that we don't have to worry about being a failure, or being rejected, because Christ already accepted  us. God sees us as royalty. That's a really good thought! So everytime I feel like an idiot, or feel inferior, I just have to try to keep that in mind. For me, "try" is the keyword there!

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Since posting this blog, I've thought of some other marching band memories. During one rehearsal, on my senior year, our band director called over the microphone and said to everyone something like, "If everyone marched like Eric Owsley, then we'd be in pretty good shape."

See ya later!

Growing Old

"But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too."
-Stevie Nicks


At first glance, people would look at this title and tell me that at 23 I'm not old yet. And I would agree with that. Maybe I should make a subtitle that states, "trying to cope with change". I've always resisted change. But that's just something that comes with growing old. As I'm at this weird point in my life that I'm not a kid, and I'm not (or at least I dont feel like) an adult, I can't help but to comtemplate on age, mortality, and annoying yet inevitable change.

One thing about change that I've been noticing is that it always messes with relationships. Close circles of friends for instance, can over time just dissapear. Now maybe you'll always remain "Best friends forever", but for some reason somebody has to move away, or the responsibilites of growing old just is too much for regular contact. Or there could be a complete change of hobby, and new peer groups could be entered in the mix. Whatever it is, change just shakes things up when it comes to relationships.

And things just have to happen so fast too. One second we're in college, hanging out at applebees, and then the next second friends are getting married, having children, moving away for a job. I almost feel like things are just unraveling at the seams. But really I have to learn to embrace it.

I would really love to grow old with someone. You know, the whole settling down thing with a family and all that. Then I wouldnt have to worry about all my friends moving away, or getting to busy with life. Maybe I would catch up to them every once and a while. We would poke fun at our gray hair, or receding hair lines, and then look back on all the good times. Then we would go our own seperate ways again, but it would be okay because I would have a beautiful family to go back to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when I find my soul mate, coping with change would be easier.

I've been absent for a little while on this blog, but I hope to update a little more periodically. Right now I'm really trying to make drastic self improvements this summer. From gaining confidence to overcoming my fears and anxiety. I am still looking for the right job, and I pray that God can just give me the wisdom to not worry about it, but instead focus on good things like loving others, loving jesus, and learning to love myself!