I was with a group of friends over the weekend, just hanging out. A conversation strikes up about IQ. These friends are very smart. One in particular. He is a level 3 Java Developer at a big company, making 3 times what I make. I was telling this group that I didn't feel smart. Especially around them. Someone would ask them a question, and they'd get it instantly. It would always take me a long time. While we shared a few laughs about the topic, I couldn't stop thinking about this.
Why am I feeling this way?
I went to church on Sunday, and our Senior Minister had a few words of advice for our high school graduates. He said that we shouldn't put our identity in our GPA's, our advanced degrees, our IQ, or our fraternity/sorority, but we should put our identities in Christ. Then I felt ten times better...
I've never really thought of myself as a Jesus Freak. I've never really thought of myself as radical. Back in High School, I did go to church every week. But it felt different. I was too caught up with the rules (not cursing, not drinking) I was too caught up with judging others. It was too much about religion, not about a relationship. And that's what its about. A relationship with God who loves you, no matter what you have done, or what you're going to do. He masterfully crafted us in the womb, and is always by our side when everything else changes. He sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. My sins. I'm forgiven, and loved unconditionally. Are you kidding me?
So when I have good weeks spiritually and I have devotion time with my best friends, talking for hours about life and Jesus, and I listen to christian radio, and I'm in the word studying, and I have moments of intense prayer with my creator, I no longer feel inadequate, insecure, inept, dumb, stupid. I don't put my identity in my intelligence, or my ACT test score, or my degree, or my job. My identity is in Christ, who's my redeemer, and my personal Lord and Savior. I have that confidence, that I've always been looking for.
But then I have these spiritually low weeks. Weeks where I do compare myself to the worlds standards. Where I do feel dumb and insecure. I don't pray as often as I should, or study or have devotion time. Then I wonder why I feel this way.
If you claim to be a Christian, I think the only option is to be ALL about it. We are called to surrender everything. We are called to be strangers of this world. Having faith in something you don't see, and surrendering your life in that way are radical concepts. So maybe I am a Jesus Freak. I'm proud of it. I love getting a chance to witness to others, and telling people the good news. Sure I get looks like I'm a three headed monster and get made fun of. Before I would've felt strange and weird and awkward. Now every chance I get to be bold in my faith, I get this rush. I get excited. I love being a representative for Christ.
I apologize to everyone in the past for whom I judged. I apologize for ever being a hypocrite. I apologize for being a bad representative of Christ. All I want to do is love Jesus, and love like Jesus. I'm not perfect, and I'm going to fail, but I know I am forgiven.
